The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
