I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
