Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
