Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
