If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
