i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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