Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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