M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
