I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
