I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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