Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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