just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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