I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
