just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
