Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
