uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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