I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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