i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
We left an ass print on the piano.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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