He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize