I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
