BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
