We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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