my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
