omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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