It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
