it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize