i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize