You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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