Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Randomize
