So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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