Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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