I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
