I wish I could teleport
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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