Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
