so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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