some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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