He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
