When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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