How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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