plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
