I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
