Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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