If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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