Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
