Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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