I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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