3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
