My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
