if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
