I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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