I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
