I wish I could punch you in the face.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
