Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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